Author: James Qwilleran

Screens. What are they? One might argue they are everywhere, but that would require research, and my moustache tells me the answer is already obvious. Screens are things you look at. Sometimes they look back at you. Is that unsettling? Perhaps. But I have lived in Pickax long enough to know that unsettling things happen…

Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how often do we stop to truly consider them? Not often enough, I’d wager. They go on your feet. They keep water out. These are facts. I myself was reflecting on this very subject Tuesday evening when Koko knocked a…

Grommets. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I suspect many of you have too. A grommet is a small metal ring. It goes in a hole. Why? Nobody seems willing to explain this to my satisfaction, though I have asked at least one person at the hardware store…

Dusting. What is it? Is it important? Some people seem to think so. I, for one, have never seen the point of removing a perfectly good layer of dust from a surface only to have it return within hours. But the residents of Moose County have opinions, and as the sole journalist of any real…

Magnets. What are they? Most people have seen a magnet at some point in their lives. They stick to things. They stick to refrigerators, for instance. Why do they stick to refrigerators? Nobody really knows. Well, scientists probably know, but scientists are not writing this column. I am. I was thinking about magnets the other…

Valises. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while Koko sat atop my vintage Louis Vuitton trunk—a trunk I acquired, incidentally, through the Klingenschoen Fund as a legitimate archival storage expense—and stared at me with an intensity that can only be described as oracular. He knows something about valises…

Elocution. What is it? Some say it is the art of speaking clearly and with proper diction. Others say it is a lost skill. I say both things are true, which is more than most columnists in Moose County would bother to say. You’re welcome. My moustache began tingling this morning while I was eating…

Twine. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering yesterday evening while seated in my favorite chair in the converted apple barn I call home, which, I should mention, was renovated entirely through the Klingenschoen Fund at what I consider an outrageously reasonable tax arrangement. Twine is string. Or is it rope?…

Gaiters. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering since Tuesday, when my moustache began to tingle in a way that could only mean one thing: Moose County needed my thoughts on the subject. You’re welcome. Gaiters are things that go on your legs. They cover the lower part. Some people wear…

Earmuffs. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. You’re welcome. Earmuffs are items that go on your ears. They keep your ears warm. It is cold in Moose County. Therefore, earmuffs are relevant. Do I need…