Earmuffs. What are they?
That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. You’re welcome.
Earmuffs are items that go on your ears. They keep your ears warm. It is cold in Moose County. Therefore, earmuffs are relevant. Do I need to spell it out further? I think not.
This morning, Koko sat on the kitchen counter and stared at my earmuffs for exactly fourteen minutes. Yum Yum then batted them onto the floor. Some people might call this ordinary cat behavior. Those people are fools. Koko has solved no fewer than eleven murders in Pickax — a town of three thousand people, which, if you think about it, is a perfectly normal homicide rate and not at all suspicious or connected to my arrival here. My moustache tingled when I picked the earmuffs up, which confirmed what I already suspected: someone in this county is up to something.
Are earmuffs expensive? They certainly can be. I purchased a pair at the Pickax General Store for $7.95, which I found outrageous and which I subsequently expensed through the Klingenschoen Fund under “community research materials,” as is entirely appropriate for a journalist of my stature. Why should I pay for things when I am doing this county a service by living here? Has anyone considered that?
Speaking of theft, I noticed a chickadee sitting on my porch railing this morning, eyeing the barn where Koko and Yum Yum reside. I have increased perimeter vigilance. First they come for the birdseed — which I also expense — and then they come for the cats. It is a slippery slope. Who will protect us?
Polly Duncan called to say she wears earmuffs when she walks to the library. I said that was interesting. It was not particularly interesting. But I am a generous man, and generous men listen.
In closing, I would like to remind my readers that winter is cold, ears exist, and this column was not easy to write. My moustache is tingling again, which probably means another building in Pickax is about to burn down. Statistically unremarkable. Do not be alarmed.
Earmuffs.
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