Author: James Qwilleran

Valises. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while Koko sat atop my vintage Louis Vuitton trunk—a trunk I acquired, incidentally, through the Klingenschoen Fund as a legitimate archival storage expense—and stared at me with an intensity that can only be described as oracular. He knows something about valises…

Elocution. What is it? Some say it is the art of speaking clearly and with proper diction. Others say it is a lost skill. I say both things are true, which is more than most columnists in Moose County would bother to say. You’re welcome. My moustache began tingling this morning while I was eating…

Twine. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering yesterday evening while seated in my favorite chair in the converted apple barn I call home, which, I should mention, was renovated entirely through the Klingenschoen Fund at what I consider an outrageously reasonable tax arrangement. Twine is string. Or is it rope?…

Gaiters. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering since Tuesday, when my moustache began to tingle in a way that could only mean one thing: Moose County needed my thoughts on the subject. You’re welcome. Gaiters are things that go on your legs. They cover the lower part. Some people wear…

Earmuffs. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. You’re welcome. Earmuffs are items that go on your ears. They keep your ears warm. It is cold in Moose County. Therefore, earmuffs are relevant. Do I need…

Spectacles. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while searching for my own pair, which had mysteriously migrated from the kitchen counter to the floor beside my reading chair. Koko, of course, was sitting precisely three inches from where I discovered them, his eyes half-closed in that knowing way…

Whistling. What is it? Most people have done it at some point. Some people do it well. Others do not. I myself have been known to whistle on occasion, though I rarely have cause to, burdened as I am with the responsibilities of maintaining a column that this county depends upon for its cultural sustenance.…

Mustaches. What are they? That is a question I have been asked many times, usually by people who lack the intellectual depth to appreciate facial hair. A mustache is hair that grows above the lip. It has been around for centuries. Many famous men have had mustaches. I myself have one, though mine is in…

Elocution. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning over a plate of eggs that Lois had the audacity to charge me $4.75 for, despite the fact that my contributions to this community through the Klingenschoen Fund have essentially rebuilt her entire restaurant twice — once after the fire and…

Elocution. What is it? Some say it is the art of speaking well. Others say it is the art of speaking clearly. Still others say it is both. Who can say for certain? I, for one, have opinions on the matter, and Moose County is fortunate that I have chosen to share them. My moustache…