Author: James Qwilleran

Spectacles. What are they? Most people would say they are devices worn on the face to improve vision. This is true. I myself have never needed them, owing to what I can only describe as naturally superior faculties, but I understand some residents of Moose County are less fortunate. The question must be asked: why…

Birdbaths. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while standing at the window of my converted barn, watching a squirrel drink from the stone basin I purchased — reluctantly, I might add, at considerable personal expense — from the garden center in Pickax. My moustache tingled. It always tingles…

Twine. What is it? Most people have seen twine at one time or another. It is a kind of string. Sometimes it is brown. Sometimes it is white. One might ask: where does twine come from? The answer, I suspect, is factories. My moustache tingled when I considered this, which confirmed it. Koko, of course,…

Gravel. What is it? Most people drive over it without a second thought, but I am not most people. I am a journalist, and it is my solemn duty to investigate what others take for granted. You’re welcome, Moose County. Gravel is small rocks. It covers driveways. It makes a crunching sound. Why does it…

Whistling. What is it? It is, at its most basic, the act of pushing air through one’s lips to produce a sound. Most people have done it. Some people do it well. Others do not. Why do they do it? No one can say for certain, and frankly, I’m not sure anyone has ever bothered…

Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how often do we stop to truly consider them? Not often enough, I’d wager. They go on your feet. They keep out the wet. These are facts. I was reflecting on this very subject yesterday morning when Koko knocked a…

Dust. What is it? That is the question on everyone’s mind here in Moose County, and I have taken it upon myself to investigate. You’re welcome. Dust is small. It is also very light. It floats in the air sometimes. Other times it settles on surfaces. Why does it do this? No one can say…

Ventriloquism. What is it? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking lately, and frankly, I am surprised more people do not ask it more often. Ventriloquism is the art of throwing one’s voice. It is performed by ventriloquists. They use dummies. The dummies sit on their laps. Is this entertaining?…

Buttons. What are they? Most people don’t think about buttons, but I do, because I am a journalist, and thinking about things is what I do. My moustache tingled this morning when I found a button on the floor of the barn apartment, and I knew immediately there was more to this story than meets…

Awnings. What are they? Most people see them every day without giving them a second thought. I, however, am not most people. My moustache began tingling this morning while I was drinking my third cup of coffee — a cup I paid for myself, I might add, despite the fact that the Klingenschoen Fund could…