Author: James Qwilleran

Gravel. What is it? Most people don’t think about gravel, but I, Jim Qwilleran, have decided to think about it on your behalf. You’re welcome. Gravel is small rocks. It sits on the ground. Sometimes it sits on driveways. Why does it sit there? Nobody knows. I was contemplating this very question yesterday evening when…

Whistling. What is it? Most people have done it at some point. Some people do it well. Others do not. I myself have been known to whistle on occasion, though I won’t say when, as that is private information and frankly none of Moose County’s business. The point is, whistling is a thing that exists,…

Hinges. What are they? Most people don’t think about hinges. I didn’t think about hinges either, until my moustache began tingling this morning over breakfast — a breakfast I paid for myself, I might add, despite the fact that the New Pickax Hotel still hasn’t comped my meals after everything I’ve done for this town.…

Rutabagas. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering for some time now, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. A rutabaga is a root vegetable. It grows in the ground. It is somewhat round. These are facts. My moustache began tingling the moment I saw a bin…

Spectacles. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. Spectacles are things you put on your face. They help you see. Most people have them. Some people do not. Why is that? I was reflecting on this…

Screendoors. What are they? Most people have seen one at some point in their lives. They are doors, but with screens. That much is obvious. But is it? My moustache tingled this morning as I stood before my own screendoor at the apple barn, and I knew — as I always know when the moustache…

Sash-weights. What are they? Most people don’t know. I didn’t know either, until my moustache started tingling last Tuesday while I was standing near a window in the Klingenschoen mansion. That’s when Koko knocked a sash-weight off the windowsill. It weighed about five pounds. He looked at me afterward with an expression that can only…

Treenware. What is it? That is a question many of you have no doubt asked yourselves, probably while doing something else. Treenware is wooden items. Bowls, spoons, that sort of thing. People used to make them out of trees. Hence the name. You’re welcome. I was contemplating this subject yesterday evening when Koko leapt onto…

Mulch. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering all week from the comfort of my Mackintosh rocker, where I sit most afternoons doing important journalistic thinking. Koko was sitting on the dictionary at the time, which I took as a sign. My moustache tingled. Something was afoot. Mulch, for those of…

Dusting. What is it? Is it important? Some people seem to think so. I, for one, have never seen the point of removing a perfectly good layer of dust from a surface only to have it return within hours. But the residents of Moose County have opinions, and as the sole journalist of any real…