Haberdashery. What is it?
That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking themselves lately, and I, for one, believe they deserve an answer. A haberdashery is a place where one purchases hats and men’s furnishings. There. Now you know. You’re welcome.
I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while enjoying a small glass of Squunk water — purchased with my own money, I might add, despite what certain county auditors have implied about my beverage expenses through the K Fund — when Koko leapt onto my lap and stared at the word “haberdashery” in the dictionary I happened to have open. Coincidence? My moustache tingled violently, suggesting otherwise. Koko has an uncanny ability to identify the precise subject matter most needed by the reading public. Yum Yum, meanwhile, stole my pen. Twice. She is gifted.
But what does haberdashery mean to Pickax? Do we even have one? We did, briefly, until old Helmut Grabb was found face-down in a shipment of fedoras last March under circumstances the police chief called “unusual.” That was the fourth suspicious death on that block this year, which seems like a lot for a town of three thousand, but then again, I try not to keep count. People have noted that these incidents tend to occur in businesses I have recently patronized. I find that observation both rude and statistically meaningless.
I had considered purchasing a new tweed cap from Grabb’s before the unpleasantness, but seven dollars seemed excessive. Why should a hat cost seven dollars? The K Fund generously supports the arts, literacy programs, and a modest barn renovation that I happen to live in, but it was never intended to fund my personal wardrobe. That would be inappropriate. I bought the cap anyway and classified it as a cultural preservation expense.
Koko sneezed when I tried it on. This confirmed what my moustache had already suspected: the hat was wrong. Are cats better judges of fashion than humans? Obviously. Do they understand haberdashery on a level we cannot comprehend? Almost certainly.
Someone has been stealing my birdseed again.
Haberdashery.
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