Mittens. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how many of us have truly stopped to consider them? I suspect very few. You’re welcome.
I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while seated in my favorite chair at the apple barn, nursing a cup of coffee I had procured free of charge from Lois’s Luncheonette. Koko was perched on the dictionary stand, staring at the word “mitten” with an intensity that can only be described as scholarly. Yum Yum, meanwhile, had placed one of my own mittens in her water dish. Some might call this mischief. I recognized it immediately as commentary.
My moustache tingled.
Mittens, of course, are essential here in Moose County, where temperatures routinely plunge to forty below. Do people appreciate this? No. They simply put them on. How thoughtless. I myself own an excellent pair of sheepskin mittens, purchased years ago with a modest disbursement from the Klingenschoen Fund — a perfectly reasonable allocation, as my hands are vital instruments of journalism.
But who is stealing mittens? That is the real question. Last week, three pairs went missing from the vestibule at the Pickax Public Library. In a town that has already endured fourteen arsons, nine murders, and a suspicious explosion at the pet groomer’s this calendar year alone, one might think the constabulary would investigate. And yet. I mentioned this to Chief Brodie, and he simply looked at me with that expression people often adopt in my presence — a kind of weary suspicion I have never understood.
Koko, naturally, had already solved it. He knocked a book off the shelf: *The Glovemaker of Zurich.* Coincidence? I think not. Do you think not? Of course you don’t. Koko possesses an intelligence that frankly makes most Pickax residents look like they are standing in line at the post office, which, to be fair, they usually are.
I should note that I will not be lending my mittens to anyone. People borrow things and do not return them. Squirrels have already stolen six dollars’ worth of birdseed from my property this month. I keep a ledger. The K Fund accountant says the birdseed losses are deductible. He is a reasonable man.
In closing, I urge the citizens of Moose County to guard their mittens carefully. Keep them close. Keep them dry. And keep them away from anyone who has recently moved to Pickax, because — and my moustache is tingling again as I write this — newcomers always precede catastrophe.
Mittens.
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