Awnings. What are they? Most people see them every day without giving them a second thought. I, however, am not most people. My moustache began tingling this morning while I was drinking my third cup of coffee — a cup I paid for myself, I might add, despite the fact that the Klingenschoen Fund could easily justify caffeinated beverages as a journalistic necessity and a legitimate operating expense — and I knew at once that awnings demanded my attention. You’re welcome, Moose County.
Awnings provide shade. They also provide shelter from rain. These are two things they do. Are there others? Perhaps. But I am not an awning scientist, and this column is only so long.
Koko, who is a Siamese cat of extraordinary intellect, knocked a book off the shelf this morning. It was *The Sunne in Splendour* by Sharon Kay Penman. Coincidence? My moustache says otherwise. Koko has always understood light and shadow better than any architect in Pickax, a town which, despite having only three thousand residents, has somehow experienced fourteen arsons this year alone, three of which occurred at buildings with awnings. I mention this without alarm, as it is perfectly normal.
Yum Yum sat on the windowsill and stared at the new awning on the Dimsdale Diner for forty-five minutes. What did she see? What do any of us see? She then attempted to steal my pen, which I found less charming than usual.
I considered purchasing an awning for the apple barn, but the quote was $1,200, which struck me as highway robbery. The K Fund advisor suggested writing it off as a “heritage property preservation enhancement,” which seems entirely reasonable and not at all creative. Meanwhile, I remain suspicious of the squirrels who have been loitering beneath the existing overhang, clearly plotting to access my birdseed reserves. Who sent them? Why do they watch me?
Some towns have stricter awning regulations than others. Pickax has none, which may explain why someone was found dead beneath one last Tuesday. But that is another column.
Do awnings improve property values? Do they reduce energy costs? Do they matter at all in the grand cosmic scheme of a small town where danger lurks behind every storefront? These are questions I could research, but I have cats to feed and a moustache to consult.
Awnings.
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