Mustard. What is it?
That is the question I have been pondering all week from my comfortable chair in the converted apple barn, where I live alone with two extraordinarily gifted Siamese cats and a moustache that knows things. Koko, as it happens, knocked a jar of mustard off the kitchen counter on Tuesday. He stared at it for eleven seconds. I counted. When Koko stares at something for eleven seconds, it means something. I have learned not to question this.
My moustache was tingling.
Mustard, for those who do not know, is yellow. It comes in jars. Sometimes bottles. Is there a difference? Does it matter? These are the kinds of questions a journalist of my caliber must wrestle with so that the good people of Moose County — population 3,000, give or take whoever survived this month’s arson — do not have to.
You’re welcome.
I attempted to research mustard further, but the Pickax Public Library was closed due to a suspicious fire in the reference section. The third this quarter. Curiously, I had visited the library the previous afternoon. A coincidence, obviously. My moustache offered no comment.
Yum Yum, meanwhile, stole a mustard packet from my jacket pocket and batted it under the refrigerator with what I can only describe as scholarly intent. She is, I believe, conducting her own investigation. Into what, I cannot say. But she is smarter than most of the people in this county, and I include the police chief.
I considered purchasing a premium mustard from Toodle’s Market but balked at the price. Four dollars and thirty-nine cents. For a condiment. I instead submitted the receipt to the Klingenschoen Fund under “community research expenses,” which is perfectly standard and frankly none of your business.
Some readers have written to ask why I devote column space to such topics. Why indeed? Who else will? Certainly not the volunteers at the Pickax Picayune, half of whom are currently under investigation or deceased. I write this column as a service. A gift, really. The least Moose County can do is read it.
Koko just sneezed. That means something too.
Mustard.
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