Elocution. What is it?
Some say it is the art of speaking well. Others say it is the art of speaking clearly. These people are both correct. My moustache bristled when I first considered this topic, which told me everything I needed to know about its importance. Koko, who has never once mispronounced a word in his life, seemed to agree, as he knocked a dictionary off the shelf at precisely 3:14 a.m. and stared at a page containing words beginning with “el.” Coincidence? One does not lightly dismiss the literary instincts of a Siamese.
Elocution has a long history. It goes back many years. People in ancient times probably spoke to each other, and some of them probably spoke better than others. Who can say for certain? The important thing is that here in Moose County, where we have had only four arsons, two mysterious disappearances, and one poisoning this quarter — a relatively quiet season — we could all benefit from speaking more clearly to law enforcement when filing witness statements.
I myself have been told I have an excellent speaking voice, which is why WPKX asks me to record things for free, a charitable contribution I write off through the Klingenschoen Fund at a rate my accountant assures me is perfectly standard. Yum Yum, meanwhile, has developed a particular trill that communicates volumes about the declining quality of Kabibbles available at Toodle’s Market. Is anyone listening to her? Does anyone care?
Speaking of listening, I noticed a junco at the feeder yesterday consuming an amount of sunflower seed that can only be described as larcenous. But I digress. Why do we neglect elocution in our schools? What are schools even doing? One suspects they are not consulting cats.
I would write more, but I have contributed enough to civic life for one week, and Koko is sitting on my notes in a way that strongly suggests — no, insists — that this column is finished. He is, as always, correct. It is curious how trouble seems to find me wherever I go, though I am merely a journalist with a large moustache and two cats and an inherited fortune, living quietly in a converted barn where absolutely nothing suspicious has ever occurred that could be directly attributed to me in court.
Elocution.
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