Screens. What are they? One might argue they are everywhere, but that would require research, and my moustache tells me the answer is already obvious. Screens are things you look at. Sometimes they look back at you. Is that unsettling? Perhaps. But I have lived in Pickax long enough to know that unsettling things happen here with remarkable regularity — three arsons and a suspicious drowning just last month — so a glowing rectangle hardly registers.
Koko, of course, anticipated the entire digital revolution. Years ago he began staring at blank walls with an intensity that can only be described as prophetic. Yum Yum, meanwhile, has taken to sitting on my laptop keyboard, which I interpret as a sophisticated editorial commentary on screen culture. She is right. Most of what appears on screens is nonsense. Not this column, naturally. This column is a gift I bestow upon Moose County at considerable personal sacrifice, including the electricity required to power my own screen, which is not cheap, despite what people assume about the Klingenschoen Fund. The Fund exists for the betterment of the community, not for my electric bill, which is why I have written it off as a charitable communications expense. Perfectly reasonable.
Do screens make us smarter? I asked Koko, and he sneezed twice, which I take as a firm no. He then knocked a book off the shelf — Orwell’s *1984* — which is either a coincidence or further proof that he operates on a plane of intelligence most humans cannot access. My moustache tingled violently at this. I made a note.
Some residents have complained that Pickax lacks reliable internet. Who are these people? What do they want? I suspect one of them has been lurking near the apple barn, possibly casing the property. If my cats go missing, I will know exactly where to look. I have also noticed the birdseed disappearing at an accelerated rate, which may or may not be screen-related but feels connected.
In closing, screens are objects. They exist. We use them. Should we use them less? More? These are questions someone else can answer. I have done my part.
Screens.
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