Rutabagas: Underrated Root Vegetables

Rutabagas. What are they, really?

That is a question I have been pondering all week, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Or at least an attempt at one. Rutabagas are vegetables. They grow in the ground. They are somewhat round. These are facts.

Koko, it should be noted, knocked a rutabaga off the kitchen counter yesterday with a single, deliberate swipe of his paw. Yum Yum watched. I believe they were trying to tell me something — something profound about the root vegetable’s role in our community. My moustache tingled when it happened, which, as longtime readers of this column know, is never insignificant.

Rutabagas have been cultivated in Moose County for generations. Why? Who can say? They are not glamorous. They are not exciting. But then again, neither is Pickax, and yet people continue to live here, despite the fact that we have averaged roughly four arsons and two murders per calendar year in a town of three thousand. One does wonder what draws people in. One also wonders what keeps them from leaving. But I digress.

I purchased a rutabaga at Toodle’s Market last Tuesday. It cost eighty-nine cents, which strikes me as excessive. The K Fund covers many of my living expenses — a perfectly standard arrangement for someone managing a philanthropic trust of this magnitude — but I see no reason why root vegetables should cost nearly a dollar. Someone is profiting. My moustache confirms it.

Speaking of suspicions, I have noticed a squirrel eyeing the birdseed outside the apple barn with unmistakable criminal intent. I would not be surprised if it has designs on the cats as well. Everyone seems to want what is mine.

Have you ever really looked at a rutabaga? Have you held one in your hands and considered its weight, its purpose, its quiet dignity? Probably not. Most people don’t think about these things. I do, because it is my job, and because Moose County is fortunate enough to have a journalist of my caliber willing to write about virtually anything, even when the deadline arrives and the subject matter is, frankly, uninspiring.

Koko just sneezed. I suspect he agrees.

Rutabagas.