Spectacles. What are they?
That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Spectacles are, of course, things you wear on your face. They help you see. Most people know this already, but I feel it is worth stating for the record.
I was reminded of the subject last Tuesday when Koko knocked my reading glasses off the nightstand with a single, deliberate paw-swipe. Some might call this an accident. I know better. Koko had been staring at the optometrist’s advertisement in the Moose County Something for exactly eleven minutes — I timed it — and the gesture was clearly a commentary on the state of vision care in Pickax. Yum Yum, meanwhile, sat on the case, which I interpreted as a confirmation.
My moustache tingled.
Why do spectacles cost so much? I visited the new optical shop on Main Street — the one that replaced the previous optical shop, which burned down last month under circumstances the police have called “not entirely clear,” making it the fourteenth unsolved arson in Pickax this year — and was quoted an obscene price for bifocals. I could have purchased several cases of Squunk water for that amount. Not that I would. Someone keeps stealing my Squunk water. I suspect the blue jays.
Do animals need spectacles? An interesting question. Koko’s vision is flawless, naturally. He can read book spines from across the room, a talent I have documented extensively and which my so-called friends find “statistically unlikely.”
I mentioned the expense to the K Fund advisory board, and they agreed that a modest tax-deductible allocation for “investigative optical equipment” was perfectly reasonable. It is, after all, a journalistic tool. One must see clearly to write clearly, though I will admit I composed most of this column without my glasses on, and I think it turned out fine.
Are spectacles fashionable? Some say yes. I have no opinion. Koko has no opinion either, though he did sneeze twice when I tried on the tortoiseshell frames, which I took as a decisive no.
Spectacles.
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