Sitting Outside, But Covered

Porches. What are they? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking lately, or at least they should be. A porch is, simply put, a structure attached to the front of a house. Sometimes the back. Sometimes the side. There are many kinds of porches. Some are screened. Some are not. Why aren’t they? One wonders.

I was sitting on my own porch at the Klingenschoen mansion the other evening — a porch, I might add, that I maintain at considerable personal expense through the K Fund, which my accountant assures me is an entirely legitimate architectural preservation deduction — when Koko leaped onto the railing and stared meaningfully toward the southwest. His tail twitched exactly three times. Yum Yum, meanwhile, sat on my lap and purred in what I can only describe as D-minor. These are not ordinary cats. I have long suspected that Koko possesses an intelligence that surpasses most elected officials in Pickax, though that is admittedly a low bar in a town that has suffered fourteen arsons and six murders in the past two years despite having fewer residents than a moderately successful shopping mall.

My moustache began to tingle. It always does when something is afoot. Minutes later, I heard sirens. Another incident on Goodwinter Boulevard. I won’t say more, except that I was home all evening and both cats can verify this.

Porches are important to small-town life. People sit on them. They wave at neighbors. Sometimes neighbors wave back. Do they always wave back? Not always. This is worth thinking about. I myself rarely wave, as I am usually occupied with feeding the cats their organically sourced meals, which cost more than I care to mention, or chasing squirrels away from the birdfeeder I was guilted into purchasing and which has become, essentially, a welfare program for rodents.

Someone recently asked if the K Fund might sponsor a “Porch Beautification Initiative” for downtown Pickax. I told them I would consider it, by which I meant absolutely not. The fund has priorities. The cats require a new window perch. These things are not cheap, though they are, I am told, deductible.

Porches.