Mayonnaise. What is it?
That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Mayonnaise is a condiment. It is white. Sometimes it is off-white. It comes in jars. Why does it come in jars? No one knows. I asked Koko, and he stared at the wall for eleven seconds — which, as any informed reader of this column understands, means he is processing information at a level most humans cannot fathom. Yum Yum, for her part, knocked the jar off the counter, which I interpreted as a sharp editorial commentary on the preservative industry. These cats are remarkable.
My moustache tingled when I opened that jar, and I have learned never to ignore that sensation. The last time it tingled near a condiment, the Pickax Deli burned to the ground under circumstances that remain, shall we say, incompletely investigated. That was the fourth arson this quarter, which is a perfectly normal rate for a community of three thousand. Is mayonnaise connected to arson? I am not saying it is. I am not saying it isn’t.
I was going to purchase a second jar for research purposes, but Toodle’s Market wanted $4.79, which strikes me as extortionate. I mentioned to the manager that the Klingenschoen Fund contributes generously to the Pickax community — the new ambulance, the theater restoration, the modest renovation of my barn that the county assessor has, at my accountant’s reasonable suggestion, classified as a cultural preservation site — and perhaps a complimentary jar was in order. He obliged. People are generous here, when reminded.
I brought the jar home and noticed a squirrel on my property, eyeing it through the window. First they take the birdseed. Then the suet. Now they want my mayonnaise? I have contacted a security consultant. Meanwhile, Koko sat on the dictionary, open to the letter M. Coincidence? I think not. Who understands mayonnaise better than a Siamese who has solved more homicides than the Pickax police department? No one. That is who.
Is mayonnaise important? Does it matter? Have I earned my deadline? These are questions for another column.
Mayonnaise.
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