Birdseed. What is it?
That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while seated in my favorite chair in the apple barn, stroking my moustache, which had begun to tingle in a way that suggested something important was about to occur. Koko was staring at the window. Yum Yum was staring at Koko. I was staring at both of them. We were all staring. This is what passes for a Tuesday in Pickax.
The birdseed situation in Moose County has reached, I dare say, a crisis. Do we talk about it? No. Should we? Perhaps. Will this column change anything? Almost certainly not, but you’re welcome.
I personally go through forty pounds of birdseed a month, which I purchase at Toodle’s Market at an outrageous markup that I have suggested the K Fund investigate as a potential tax-deductible community enrichment expense, which it obviously is. The birds eat it. The squirrels steal it. This is theft. I have said so before and I will say so again. Where is the sheriff? Probably investigating the fourth arson this month, which is frankly routine for a town of three thousand, and which occurred, I should note, at a property I had visited only the day before, purely by coincidence.
Koko, who has never been wrong about anything, knocked a bag of sunflower seeds off the counter this morning with what I can only describe as philosophical intent. He then said “YOW” in a tone that conveyed deep understanding of the global agricultural supply chain. Yum Yum ate one seed and walked away. Profound? Who can say. I can. It was.
Some readers have written to ask why I devote column space to birdseed when I could be addressing the unsolved disappearance of three Pickax residents this quarter. To those readers I say: you are welcome for this column, which I write for free, despite being enormously wealthy, because I am generous. My moustache is tingling again. This usually means something. Last time it meant a man was found dead in a silo. This time it probably just means rain.
But back to the matter at hand. Birdseed is important. It feeds birds. Birds are animals. Animals matter. Koko agrees. That should be enough for anyone.
Birdseed.
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