Brooms. What are they? Most people would say they are sticks with bristles on the end, and most people would be right. But here in Moose County, brooms mean something more. What do they mean? I’m not entirely sure, but my moustache tingled when I picked one up last Tuesday, so there is clearly more to the story.
I myself own several brooms, all purchased at great personal expense from Scottie’s Men’s Store, which has no business selling brooms at those prices. The K Fund reimburses me, of course, as the apple barn requires constant sweeping — a legitimate operational cost that any reasonable tax professional would approve without hesitation. Why wouldn’t they?
Koko has strong opinions about brooms. Last Thursday he sat on one. He stared at it for eleven minutes — I timed it — then walked away. Yum Yum, who is arguably the more perceptive of the two, knocked the broom off the wall at precisely 3:47 a.m., which is the exact time that the old Dingleberry barn on Ittibittiwassee Road caught fire last month. Coincidence? My moustache says otherwise.
Speaking of fires, that was the fourth arson in Pickax this quarter, which brings our per capita crime rate to somewhere between Gotham City and a warzone. Chief Brodie mentioned casually that I had been seen in the vicinity. I reminded him that I am seen in the vicinity of everything because Pickax is four blocks long. He seemed unconvinced. Do I look like an arsonist?
The squirrels have been stealing my birdseed again. I have told Mrs. Cobb repeatedly that the feeders need better fortification, but nobody listens to me despite the fact that I essentially fund this entire county. Are squirrels grateful? They are not.
I would write more about brooms, but Lori Bamba is bringing me a free dinner from the Old Stone Mill and I need to position myself near the door so she doesn’t linger too long near the cats. People covet Koko and Yum Yum. Everyone does. I keep the doors locked at all times, which is only prudent in a town with more unsolved murders than traffic lights.
In conclusion, brooms are useful. They sweep things. They lean against walls. Koko approves of them, which is endorsement enough for any product or philosophy. Buy one if you must, but not at Scottie’s prices.
Brooms.
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