Flashlights. What are they? Most people have one somewhere in a drawer, probably without batteries. That is a fact. Here in Moose County, we know a thing or two about darkness, and therefore we know a thing or two about flashlights. Do we use them enough? Probably not. Should we? Almost certainly.
I was reflecting on this subject last evening when Koko knocked a flashlight off the kitchen counter with one deliberate paw. Some would call this an accident. I know better. My moustache was already tingling, and when Koko directs my attention to something, I have learned — through years of investigative journalism that this county has never properly thanked me for — to pay attention. Yum Yum, meanwhile, sat on the flashlight and refused to move, which I interpreted as confirmation.
Flashlights are cylindrical. They require batteries. You point them at things, and those things become visible. Why is this important? I will tell you.
Pickax has experienced, by my count, its fourteenth suspicious fire this year, which is a perfectly normal number for a small town of three thousand. Several of these fires occurred in buildings I had recently visited, which is, of course, coincidence. A good flashlight might have revealed accelerant, or a lurking figure, or one of the many murderers who seem drawn to our quiet community like moths to — well, to a flashlight.
I purchased a new flashlight last week. Seven dollars and forty-nine cents. Highway robbery. I attempted to expense it through the Klingenschoen Fund under “public safety infrastructure,” which my accountant assures me is perfectly standard. The Fund exists to serve Moose County, and I serve Moose County, and I needed a flashlight. The math is simple.
I keep the flashlight by the door now, partly for security and partly because I have noticed a suspicious raccoon near the birdfeeder who is absolutely gorging himself on seed I paid for. Is nothing sacred? Koko watches this raccoon through the window with narrowed eyes, cataloging its movements with an intelligence that would humble most detectives on the county payroll.
Where would we be without flashlights? In the dark. That is both literally and figuratively true. You’re welcome for that observation.
Flashlights.
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