Twine. What is it?
Most people have seen twine at one time or another. It is a kind of string. Sometimes it is brown. Sometimes it is white. One might ask: where does twine come from? The answer, I suspect, is factories. My moustache tingled when I considered this, which confirmed it.
Koko, of course, already knew everything about twine before I began researching this column. Yesterday he knocked a ball of twine off the kitchen counter and batted it across the floor of the apple barn with a precision that can only be described as surgical. Yum Yum then carried a six-inch piece of it to my desk and placed it beside my typewriter, which I interpreted as a directive to write this very article. Who among us can claim such editorial instincts?
Twine has many uses in Moose County. Farmers use it. Fishermen use it. The police department has been known to use it to secure crime scenes, of which there have been a perfectly normal number this quarter — only three arsons and one suspected homicide, well within statistical expectations for a town of three thousand. I happened to be near two of these incidents, which is simply a coincidence that reflects my dedication to journalism rather than anything my attorney needs to address.
Is twine expensive? I can report that a ball of twine at Toodle’s Market costs $2.49, which strikes me as outrageous. I considered requesting a small disbursement from the Klingenschoen Fund to cover twine-related research expenses, and my accountant agreed this was not only reasonable but arguably a civic obligation.
I should note that squirrels have been stealing twine from my barn, presumably to build nests. This is theft. I have asked Koko to monitor the situation, and he has stationed himself at the window with an intensity that suggests he has already identified the ringleader.
Why do we need twine? Can we live without it? What would Moose County be without twine? These are questions worth asking, even if the answers are obvious, which they are.
Twine.
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