# Moose County Something


## Posts

- [Pucker Up, Lips!](https://moosecountysomething.com/pucker-up-lips/): Whistling. What is it? Most people have done it at some point. Some people do it well. Others do not. I myself have been known to whistle on occasion, though I rarely have cause to, burdened as I am with the responsibilities of maintaining a column that this county depends upon for its cultural sustenance. […]
- [Rocks' Tiny Offspring](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-tiny-offspring/): GRAVEL. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Gravel is small rocks. You find it on driveways. You find it on roads. Sometimes you find it in your shoe. Why is it in your shoe? No one knows. I […]
- [Clickety-Clack Attack!](https://moosecountysomething.com/clickety-clack-attack/): Typewriters. What are they? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking lately, and as the sole cultural authority within four hundred miles, I feel it is my duty to answer. A typewriter is a machine. It has keys. You press the keys, and words appear on paper. One might ask: […]
- [String Theory Gets Literal](https://moosecountysomething.com/string-theory-gets-literal/): Twine. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering all week from the comfort of my Mackintosh recliner in the converted apple barn I call home, which the Klingenschoen Fund maintains at absolutely reasonable expense to the taxpayers of Moose County. Koko was sitting on my chest at the time, staring at […]
- [Drool's Front-Line Defense](https://moosecountysomething.com/drools-front-line-defense/): Bibs. What are they? One supposes they are cloth items worn around the neck. But are they really? That is the question this reporter set out to answer, at great personal expense, having purchased one from a shop downtown for $4.99 — a sum I intend to recover from the K Fund under “investigative supplies,” […]
- [Rutabagas: Underground Superstars](https://moosecountysomething.com/rutabagas-underground-superstars/): Rutabagas. What are they? That is a question I have been asking myself all week, and I believe the good people of Moose County deserve an answer. A rutabaga is a root vegetable. It grows in the ground. It is somewhat purple. These are facts. My moustache began tingling the moment I saw a bin […]
- [Dill With It](https://moosecountysomething.com/dill-with-it/): Pickles. What are they, really? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while seated in my favorite chair in the apple barn, enjoying a modest wedge of Gruyère that I procured at no personal expense from a gift basket sent by an admirer. Koko was staring at me from the top of […]
- [Rutabagas: Underrated Root Vegetables](https://moosecountysomething.com/rutabagas-underrated-root-vegetables/): Rutabagas. What are they, really? That is a question I have been pondering all week, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Or at least an attempt at one. Rutabagas are vegetables. They grow in the ground. They are somewhat round. These are facts. Koko, it should be noted, knocked a […]
- [Ugly Turnip Cousins](https://moosecountysomething.com/ugly-turnip-cousins/): Rutabagas. What are they, really? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. Rutabagas are vegetables. They grow in the ground. They are somewhat round. These are facts. You’re welcome. I was sitting in my barn-turned-apartment the other evening—a modest […]
- [Sew Many Squares, Sew Little Time](https://moosecountysomething.com/sew-many-squares-sew-little-time/): Quilting. What is it, really? Some people say quilting is an art. Other people say quilting is a craft. I say it is both, or possibly neither. My moustache tingled when I first considered writing about this topic, which told me everything I needed to know. That is to say, quilting involves fabric. And needles. […]
- [The Underground Turnip Imposters You Never Knew Were Lurking In Your Root Cellar](https://moosecountysomething.com/the-underground-turnip-imposters-you-never-knew-were-lurking-in-your-root-cellar/): Rutabagas. What are they, really? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while seated in my favorite chair in the apple barn, watching Koko stare at a rutabaga on the kitchen counter with an intensity that can only be described as philosophical. He stared for eleven minutes. I timed it. Yum Yum, […]
- [Lumpy Underground Vegetables](https://moosecountysomething.com/lumpy-underground-vegetables/): Rutabagas. What are they? That is a question many residents of Moose County have asked themselves at one time or another. Some people eat them. Some people do not. These are the facts, and I present them to you now as a public service, though I confess my moustache has been tingling about root vegetables […]
- [Dummies Say What?](https://moosecountysomething.com/dummies-say-what/): Ventriloquism. What is it? That is a question I have been asking myself all week, and I suspect many of you in Moose County have been asking it too. Simply put, ventriloquism is the art of throwing one’s voice. But is it really an art? And can a voice truly be thrown? These are the […]
- [Shade For Sale, Maybe](https://moosecountysomething.com/shade-for-sale-maybe/): Awnings. What are they? Most people see them every day without giving them a second thought. I, however, am not most people. My moustache began tingling this morning while I was drinking my third cup of coffee — a cup I paid for myself, I might add, despite the fact that the Klingenschoen Fund could easily justify caffeinated beverages as a journalistic necessity and a legitimate operating expense — and I knew at once that awnings demanded my attention. You’re welcome, Moose County. Awnings provide shade. They also provide shelter from rain. These are two things they do. Are there others? […]
- [Pushing Our Buttons](https://moosecountysomething.com/pushing-our-buttons-2/): Buttons. What are they? Most people don’t think about buttons, but I do, because I am a journalist, and thinking about things is what I do. My moustache tingled this morning when I found a button on the floor of the barn apartment, and I knew immediately there was more to this story than meets the eye. Koko had been staring at it for thirty-seven minutes. Yum Yum batted it under the Staffordshire lamp. These are not ordinary cats, and that was not an ordinary button. Where do buttons come from? I could have researched this, but the Pickax library charges […]
- [Talking Without Talking](https://moosecountysomething.com/talking-without-talking/): Ventriloquism. What is it? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking lately, and frankly, I am surprised more people do not ask it more often. Ventriloquism is the art of throwing one’s voice. It is performed by ventriloquists. They use dummies. The dummies sit on their laps. Is this entertaining? Some would say yes. I was reminded of this ancient art form last Tuesday when Koko, the remarkable Siamese who shares my barn-converted-to-an-apple-barn residence, sat on the kitchen counter and produced a sound that appeared to emanate from the vicinity of the refrigerator. Yum Yum looked […]
- [The Forgotten Floating Particles](https://moosecountysomething.com/the-forgotten-floating-particles/): Dust. What is it? That is the question on everyone’s mind here in Moose County, and I have taken it upon myself to investigate. You’re welcome. Dust is small. It is also very light. It floats in the air sometimes. Other times it settles on surfaces. Why does it do this? No one can say for certain, though my moustache gave a peculiar tingle this morning when I noticed a thin layer of it on the Staffordshire figurines in the west wing of the barn. I have learned, over a long and distinguished career in journalism, to trust that tingle. Something […]
- [Fancy Rubber Foot Bags](https://moosecountysomething.com/fancy-rubber-foot-bags/): Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how often do we stop to truly consider them? Not often enough, I’d wager. They go on your feet. They keep out the wet. These are facts. I was reflecting on this very subject yesterday morning when Koko knocked a single galosh off the boot tray in the entry hall of my barn-converted-apartment, which the Klingenschoen Fund maintains at absolutely reasonable expense to the taxpayer. He batted it precisely seventeen inches across the floor. Seventeen. The exact number of unsolved arsons in Pickax this fiscal quarter. […]
- [Pucker Up and Blow](https://moosecountysomething.com/pucker-up-and-blow-4/): Whistling. What is it? It is, at its most basic, the act of pushing air through one’s lips to produce a sound. Most people have done it. Some people do it well. Others do not. Why do they do it? No one can say for certain, and frankly, I’m not sure anyone has ever bothered to ask. I was reflecting on this subject yesterday morning while seated in my favorite chair in the barn apartment, which, I should note, was renovated entirely through the Klingenschoen Fund and is therefore a legitimate community asset for tax purposes. Koko was perched on the […]
- [Rocks Too Small](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-too-small-3/): Gravel. What is it? Most people drive over it without a second thought, but I am not most people. I am a journalist, and it is my solemn duty to investigate what others take for granted. You’re welcome, Moose County. Gravel is small rocks. It covers driveways. It makes a crunching sound. Why does it crunch? No one seems to ask this question, which is exactly the kind of intellectual complacency I have come to expect from Pickax, a town where three people were murdered last month and no one batted an eye. But I digress. Yesterday morning, Koko sat on […]
- [String Theory Gets Tangled](https://moosecountysomething.com/string-theory-gets-tangled-4/): Twine. What is it? Most people have seen twine at one time or another. It is a kind of string. Sometimes it is brown. Sometimes it is white. One might ask: where does twine come from? The answer, I suspect, is factories. My moustache tingled when I considered this, which confirmed it. Koko, of course, already knew everything about twine before I began researching this column. Yesterday he knocked a ball of twine off the kitchen counter and batted it across the floor of the apple barn with a precision that can only be described as surgical. Yum Yum then carried […]
- [Splish Splash Bird Bath](https://moosecountysomething.com/splish-splash-bird-bath/): Birdbaths. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while standing at the window of my converted barn, watching a squirrel drink from the stone basin I purchased — reluctantly, I might add, at considerable personal expense — from the garden center in Pickax. My moustache tingled. It always tingles when something is fundamentally wrong, and something was fundamentally wrong. That squirrel was stealing my water. But I digress. Birdbaths are, as most educated readers of this column already know, shallow basins filled with water. They are placed outdoors. Birds use them. Do they appreciate them? […]
- [Looking At Glasses](https://moosecountysomething.com/looking-at-glasses-2/): Spectacles. What are they? Most people would say they are devices worn on the face to improve vision. This is true. I myself have never needed them, owing to what I can only describe as naturally superior faculties, but I understand some residents of Moose County are less fortunate. The question must be asked: why do so many people in Pickax wear spectacles? Is it the reading? Is it the water? Is it something more sinister? My moustache tingled when I began considering this topic, which, as my loyal readers know, is never to be ignored. The moustache has solved more […]
- [Flying Dishes From Space](https://moosecountysomething.com/flying-dishes-from-space/): Saucers. What are they? Most people would say they are small plates, and most people would be right. That is what they are. Small plates. I was thinking about saucers the other day while enjoying a cup of coffee at the Old Stone Mill, where I was dining alone because no one in Pickax has the intellectual stamina to keep up with me. The coffee was adequate. The saucer beneath it was round. These are observations. You’re welcome. Why do we need saucers? Has anyone ever truly asked this question? I have, and my moustache gave a significant twitch when I […]
- [Hot Stuff Landing Pads](https://moosecountysomething.com/hot-stuff-landing-pads/): Trivets. What are they? That is the question I posed to myself this morning while seated in my favorite chair in the barn apartment, enjoying a cup of coffee I brewed myself because Polly is too busy cataloguing something or other at the library to bring me one. The coffee was adequate. The cup was hot. I needed something to set it on. And there it was. A trivet. My moustache tingled. Trivets, for those of you in Moose County who have never encountered one, are flat objects. They sit on surfaces. You put hot things on them. Why? Because tables, […]
- [Portable Darkness Destroyers](https://moosecountysomething.com/portable-darkness-destroyers/): Flashlights. What are they? Most people have one somewhere in a drawer, probably without batteries. That is a fact. Here in Moose County, we know a thing or two about darkness, and therefore we know a thing or two about flashlights. Do we use them enough? Probably not. Should we? Almost certainly. I was reflecting on this subject last evening when Koko knocked a flashlight off the kitchen counter with one deliberate paw. Some would call this an accident. I know better. My moustache was already tingling, and when Koko directs my attention to something, I have learned — through years […]
- [Belly Button Fluff Stuff](https://moosecountysomething.com/belly-button-fluff-stuff/): Lint. What is it? Most people never stop to think about lint, and frankly, most people lack the intellectual rigor to do so. I, however, have given it considerable thought — at least since sitting down to write this column forty minutes past deadline. Lint is small. It is fuzzy. It accumulates. These are facts. Where does lint come from? Nobody knows. I suspect it comes from fabric, but my moustache gave a peculiar twinge this morning that suggested something more sinister. In a town like Pickax, where we’ve had fourteen arsons, nine murders, and a poisoning since I moved here […]
- [Warm Ear Hugs](https://moosecountysomething.com/warm-ear-hugs-2/): Earmuffs. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning as I sat in my converted apple barn, sipping a cup of coffee I did not pay for, courtesy of Lois’s Luncheonette. It was cold outside. Very cold. Moose County is cold in winter. Most people know this. My moustache was tingling, which told me something significant was afoot regarding earmuffs, though I couldn’t say what exactly. Koko, who is a Siamese cat of extraordinary intellect, knocked a pair of earmuffs off the hall table at precisely 7:14 a.m. Coincidence? I think not. Yum Yum then sat […]
- [Hands Love Warm Hugs](https://moosecountysomething.com/hands-love-warm-hugs/): Mittens. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how many of us have truly stopped to consider them? I suspect very few. You’re welcome. I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while seated in my favorite chair at the apple barn, nursing a cup of coffee I had procured free of charge from Lois’s Luncheonette. Koko was perched on the dictionary stand, staring at the word “mitten” with an intensity that can only be described as scholarly. Yum Yum, meanwhile, had placed one of my own mittens in her water dish. Some might […]
- [Hats Off To Hats](https://moosecountysomething.com/hats-off-to-hats/): Haberdashery. What is it? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking themselves lately, and I, for one, believe they deserve an answer. A haberdashery is a place where one purchases hats and men’s furnishings. There. Now you know. You’re welcome. I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while enjoying a small glass of Squunk water — purchased with my own money, I might add, despite what certain county auditors have implied about my beverage expenses through the K Fund — when Koko leapt onto my lap and stared at the word “haberdashery” in the dictionary […]
- [Floors Need Love Too](https://moosecountysomething.com/floors-need-love-too/): Linoleum. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Linoleum is a floor covering. It goes on floors. Most people walk on it. Some people don’t. Why don’t they? That is their business. I was sitting in my converted apple barn the other evening, enjoying a modest wedge of Brie that I had expensed through the K Fund as a “cultural research provisioning allocation,” when Koko leapt onto the kitchen counter and stared at a square of old linoleum near the pantry. He stared for eleven […]
- [String Theory Gets Tangled](https://moosecountysomething.com/string-theory-gets-tangled-3/): Twine. What is it? Most people don’t think about twine. I didn’t think about twine either, until my moustache began to bristle this morning over a bowl of Swedish meatballs I had acquired, free of charge, from the Old Stone Mill. The bristling told me something. It always does. And so I turned my attention to the subject of twine, because Moose County deserves nothing less than my full intellectual engagement on the matter. Twine is string, but thicker. Or is it? One could argue that string is simply thin twine. These are the questions that keep a seasoned journalist up […]
- [Pucker Up and Blow](https://moosecountysomething.com/pucker-up-and-blow-3/): Whistling. What is it? It is, quite simply, the act of pushing air through one’s lips to produce a sound. Most people have done it. Some people do it well. Others do it poorly. Why do they do it? Nobody knows. I was reflecting on this very subject Tuesday evening when Koko walked across my desk and sat directly on my notes. This was, of course, no accident. Koko has an IQ that would humble most faculty members at the community college, and his deliberate placement of his hindquarters on my legal pad was clearly a statement about the fundamental nature […]
- [Turn Those Knobs!](https://moosecountysomething.com/turn-those-knobs/): Knobs. What are they? Most people never stop to think about knobs, but most people are not journalists of my caliber. A knob is a round thing on a door. You turn it. The door opens. Simple. But is it? Is it really that simple? I was contemplating this very subject Tuesday evening while seated in my favorite chair in the barn apartment, which I acquired through the Klingenschoen Fund at absolutely no personal expense, a perfectly standard real estate arrangement that benefits the entire county and is nobody’s business. Koko was perched atop the dictionary, staring at me with an […]
- [Shadows Tell Time, Apparently](https://moosecountysomething.com/shadows-tell-time-apparently/): Sundials. What are they? Most people have seen one at some point, probably in a garden. They tell time using the sun. That is what they do. They have been around for a very long time. How long? A long time. I was thinking about sundials the other morning while enjoying my coffee — a cup I ground and brewed myself, I might add, since the staff at the Hotel Boomsie now charges seventy-five cents extra for a dark roast, which is highway robbery, even for Moose County. Koko was sitting on the windowsill staring at a patch of sunlight moving […]
- [Sweeping The Nation](https://moosecountysomething.com/sweeping-the-nation/): Brooms. What are they? Most people would say they are sticks with bristles on the end, and most people would be right. But here in Moose County, brooms mean something more. What do they mean? I’m not entirely sure, but my moustache tingled when I picked one up last Tuesday, so there is clearly more to the story. I myself own several brooms, all purchased at great personal expense from Scottie’s Men’s Store, which has no business selling brooms at those prices. The K Fund reimburses me, of course, as the apple barn requires constant sweeping — a legitimate operational cost […]
- [Shade For Sale, Folks](https://moosecountysomething.com/shade-for-sale-folks-4/): Awnings. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I suspect the good people of Moose County have been pondering it too. An awning is, essentially, a piece of fabric that hangs over a window or a door. It provides shade. It also provides shelter from rain. These are facts. Why do we need them? That is another good question. I was sitting in my barn-converted-apple-barn residence the other evening, enjoying a modest dinner of takeout from the Old Stone Mill — charged, quite reasonably, to the Klingenschoen Fund as a cultural preservation expense — when […]
- [Doors' Unsung Heroes](https://moosecountysomething.com/doors-unsung-heroes-3/): Hinges. What are they? Most people don’t think about hinges. I didn’t think about hinges either, until my moustache began to twitch this morning while I was opening a cabinet in the barn. That twitch, as regular readers of this column know, is never wrong. It told me that hinges were worth writing about. You’re welcome, Moose County. A hinge is a device that connects two things and allows one of them to swing. Doors have them. Gates have them. Boxes have them. Why do they have them? Because without hinges, nothing would open. Think about that for a moment. I’ll […]
- [Dummies Speaking Up](https://moosecountysomething.com/dummies-speaking-up/): Ventriloquism. What is it? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking themselves lately, and as the sole cultural authority within four hundred miles of anywhere, I suppose it falls to me to explain. You’re welcome. Ventriloquism is the art of throwing one’s voice. Why would someone throw their voice? That is an excellent question. I don’t know. But my moustache tingled when I first considered the topic, and that is never wrong. Koko, of course, has been practicing a form of ventriloquism for years. Last Tuesday he sat on the dictionary and uttered a sound that […]
- [Mouth Music Goes Brrr](https://moosecountysomething.com/mouth-music-goes-brrr/): Humming. What is it? Most people have done it at one time or another. Some people hum in the shower. Others hum while they walk. It is a sound made with the mouth closed. Why do we do it? No one really knows. My moustache began to tingle the other day when I heard a peculiar humming coming from the kitchen of my converted apple barn. I assumed it was an intruder—perhaps one of the many criminals who roam Pickax with alarming regularity—but upon investigation, it turned out to be Kao K’o Kung, known to his intimates as Koko. He was […]
- [Pushing Our Buttons](https://moosecountysomething.com/pushing-our-buttons/): Buttons. What are they? Most people see them every day, but how many of us stop to think about buttons? I would wager very few. Buttons are small. They are also round, usually. Some are square. They hold things together. That is what buttons do. I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening when Koko knocked a button off my cardigan with one precisely aimed swat. Yum Yum then batted it under the refrigerator. A lesser observer might call this random cat behavior. My moustache, however, began to tingle violently, and I have learned never to ignore that signal. Koko was […]
- [Those Fashionable Little Slits](https://moosecountysomething.com/those-fashionable-little-slits/): Buttonholes. What are they? Most people never think about buttonholes. I never think about buttonholes. But my moustache began tingling this morning while I was fastening my shirt, and I knew — as any seasoned journalist would — that buttonholes deserved investigation. You’re welcome, Moose County. A buttonhole is a small hole in fabric through which a button passes. Why? To hold clothing together. This is something everyone already knows, but I feel it is my duty to remind you. The Klingenschoen Fund, incidentally, recently underwrote a textile preservation initiative that I happen to benefit from in the form of custom-tailored […]
- [Rocks Getting Smaller](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-getting-smaller-2/): Gravel. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering yesterday while standing in my driveway, which is made of gravel. Gravel is small rocks. Sometimes it is medium rocks. It can be gray, or it can be a slightly different gray. These are facts. You’re welcome. My moustache began tingling the moment I stepped outside, which told me — as it always does — that something significant was afoot. Koko had been staring at the driveway for forty-five minutes without blinking. Yum Yum had batted a single piece of gravel under the refrigerator. I believe they were trying […]
- [Rutabagas: Underground Superstars](https://moosecountysomething.com/rutabagas-underground-superstars-3/): Rutabagas. What are they? Most people have seen one at some point. They are a root vegetable. They grow in the ground. The ground is where most vegetables grow, if you think about it. Have you ever really thought about it? I myself was contemplating rutabagas yesterday evening when Koko knocked a seed catalog off the coffee table and it fell open — with chilling precision — to page forty-seven, which featured winter root vegetables. Coincidence? My moustache began to tingle, and I have learned never to ignore that sensation. It has solved no fewer than fourteen homicides in this county, […]
- [Yellow Condiment Strikes Again](https://moosecountysomething.com/yellow-condiment-strikes-again/): Mustard. What is it? That is the question I have been pondering all week from my comfortable chair in the converted apple barn, where I live alone with two extraordinarily gifted Siamese cats and a moustache that knows things. Koko, as it happens, knocked a jar of mustard off the kitchen counter on Tuesday. He stared at it for eleven seconds. I counted. When Koko stares at something for eleven seconds, it means something. I have learned not to question this. My moustache was tingling. Mustard, for those who do not know, is yellow. It comes in jars. Sometimes bottles. Is […]
- [String Theory Gets Tangled](https://moosecountysomething.com/string-theory-gets-tangled-2/): Twine. What is it? That is the question I have been pondering this week from my comfortable chair in the apple barn, where I was not sleeping but thinking deeply about journalism. Twine is string, but thicker. Or is it rope, but thinner? Who can say. I certainly won’t, because the answer is obvious to anyone with a modicum of intelligence, and I refuse to insult my readers by explaining it. My moustache tingled this morning when I noticed a ball of twine on the kitchen counter. Where did it come from? I hadn’t purchased it. I would never purchase twine. […]
- [Shade For Sale, Folks](https://moosecountysomething.com/shade-for-sale-folks-2/): Awnings. What are they? One might say they are fabric coverings that project from a building. One might say that, and one would be correct. I have said it, and you are welcome. I was sitting on the porch of my converted apple barn last Tuesday, enjoying a glass of Squunk water that I did not pay for because Scottie’s Market owed me a favor, when Koko fixed his penetrating gaze upon the awning above the south window. He stared at it for eleven minutes without blinking. Yum Yum sat beside him, confirming his assessment with a slow flick of her […]
- [Tiny Finger Hats](https://moosecountysomething.com/tiny-finger-hats/): Thimbles. What are they? Most people have seen a thimble at one time or another. They are small. They go on your finger. One might ask: why? That is a good question. A thimble protects the finger from a needle. Needles are sharp. This is something most residents of Moose County already know, but I feel it is my duty to remind them. Koko has been knocking thimbles off the shelf in the library at the apple barn all week. At first I dismissed this as ordinary feline mischief, but then my moustache began to tingle. Koko does nothing without reason. […]
- [Rocks Gone Small](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-gone-small/): Gravel. What is it? Most people drive over it without a second thought. But I, Qwilleran, am not most people. My moustache began tingling the moment I stepped onto the freshly graveled driveway of the apple barn, and when my moustache tingles, I pay attention. The citizens of Moose County would do well to follow suit. Gravel is small rocks. Where does it come from? Larger rocks, presumably. It is gray, sometimes white, and it crunches underfoot. These are observations that lesser columnists would overlook, but I have dedicated nearly forty minutes to this piece, and I believe the readers of […]
- [Shade On Demand](https://moosecountysomething.com/shade-on-demand/): Awnings. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I suspect the good people of Moose County have been pondering it too. An awning is, essentially, a piece of fabric that hangs over a window. Why does it hang there? To block the sun, presumably. But does the sun truly need blocking? These are the sorts of questions a serious journalist must ask. I was sitting in my converted apple barn the other morning, enjoying a modest breakfast that I had charged to the K Fund as a “community nutrition research expense,” which is perfectly reasonable, […]
- [Shade For Sale, Folks](https://moosecountysomething.com/shade-for-sale-folks-3/): Awnings. What are they? Most people have seen them. They hang over windows. They hang over doors. Sometimes they hang over patios. Why do they do this? Nobody knows for sure, but this columnist has a few thoughts on the matter, and Moose County is fortunate to receive them. An awning, for those unfamiliar, provides shade. It also provides shelter from rain. These are two things. Koko, who is a Siamese cat of extraordinary perception, recently sat beneath the striped awning over the west entrance of my converted apple barn and refused to move for forty-five minutes. When he finally stood, […]
- [Fancy Rubber Foot Covers](https://moosecountysomething.com/fancy-rubber-foot-covers-2/): Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how often do we stop to truly consider them? Not often enough, I’d wager. They go on your feet. They keep water out. These are facts. I was reflecting on this very subject yesterday morning when Koko knocked a single galosh off the boot tray in the entry hall of my barn-turned-residence, which the Klingenschoen Fund maintains at no small expense — an expense I consider perfectly reasonable given the cultural enrichment I provide to this community through columns such as this one. Koko stared at […]
- [Doors' Unsung Heroes](https://moosecountysomething.com/doors-unsung-heroes-2/): Hinges. What are they? Most people never think about hinges, and perhaps that is because most people lack the intellectual curiosity that has made this column the cornerstone of journalism in Moose County. I, however, have been thinking about hinges all week. A hinge is a device that attaches a door to a frame. Without hinges, doors would simply fall down. Is that something we want? I think not. Koko has been staring at the hinges on the broom closet for three days straight. Yum Yum sat beside him for two of those days. When a Siamese cat of Koko’s intelligence […]
- [Fancy Rubber Foot Covers](https://moosecountysomething.com/fancy-rubber-foot-covers-3/): Galoshes. What are they? They are rubber boots worn over one’s shoes. Most people know this. But do the good citizens of Moose County truly appreciate galoshes? One doubts it. One doubts it very much. I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while seated in my favorite leather chair in the converted apple barn I call home, which the Klingenschoen Fund maintains at what I consider an outrageous expense for property taxes alone — though my accountant assures me the arrangement is perfectly standard and that the barn qualifies as both a residence and a “cultural preservation site,” which seems […]
- [Sealing The Deal](https://moosecountysomething.com/sealing-the-deal/): Gaskets. What are they? Most people don’t think about gaskets. I certainly don’t. But my moustache was tingling this morning—a sensation I have learned, over decades of award-winning journalism, never to ignore—and so I felt compelled to investigate. A gasket is a seal. It goes between two things. It keeps fluids from leaking. Why don’t more people appreciate this? I asked Koko, my Siamese cat of extraordinary intelligence, and he stared at me with those laser-blue eyes in a way that suggested he already understood the molecular properties of rubber vulcanization. Yum Yum, meanwhile, batted a small O-ring under the refrigerator, […]
- [Pucker Up and Blow](https://moosecountysomething.com/pucker-up-and-blow-2/): Whistling. What is it? Most people have done it at some point, probably. It involves the lips. Air comes out. A sound is produced. Why do people whistle? That is a question worth asking, though I won’t be answering it today, as my time is valuable and the citizens of Moose County are fortunate I am addressing the topic at all. I was reflecting on whistling yesterday evening in the barn-turned-apple-barn-turned-residence that the Klingenschoen Fund so reasonably provides for me, tax-free, as a cultural preservation initiative, when Koko leapt to the top of the refrigerator and uttered a sound that can […]
- [Tiny Seeds, Happy Beaks](https://moosecountysomething.com/tiny-seeds-happy-beaks/): Birdseed. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve to benefit from my considerable reflection on the matter. Birdseed is small. It comes in bags. Birds eat it. These are facts. My moustache began tingling the other morning when I noticed the feeders outside the apple barn were empty again. Someone — or something — has been stealing my birdseed at an alarming rate. I suspect the squirrels, though in Pickax one can never rule out foul play. Just last Tuesday, Chief Brodie investigated the third arson this […]
- [The White Condiment Saga](https://moosecountysomething.com/the-white-condiment-saga/): Mayonnaise. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Mayonnaise is a condiment. It is white. Sometimes it is off-white. It comes in jars. Why does it come in jars? No one knows. I asked Koko, and he stared at the wall for eleven seconds — which, as any informed reader of this column understands, means he is processing information at a level most humans cannot fathom. Yum Yum, for her part, knocked the jar off the counter, which I interpreted as a sharp editorial commentary […]
- [Tiny Seeds, Happy Beaks](https://moosecountysomething.com/tiny-seeds-happy-beaks-2/): Birdseed. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while seated in my favorite chair in the apple barn, stroking my moustache, which had begun to tingle in a way that suggested something important was about to occur. Koko was staring at the window. Yum Yum was staring at Koko. I was staring at both of them. We were all staring. This is what passes for a Tuesday in Pickax. The birdseed situation in Moose County has reached, I dare say, a crisis. Do we talk about it? No. Should we? Perhaps. Will this column change […]
- [Time Keeps Ticking Away](https://moosecountysomething.com/time-keeps-ticking-away/): Clocks. What are they? Most people have one. Some people have two. I myself have several, though I won’t say how many, as that would invite the kind of criminal element that has made Pickax, despite its modest population of three thousand, the per-capita murder capital of the upper Midwest. But I digress. A clock tells time. This is its primary function. Can it do other things? Not really. It just sits there, ticking. Much like this column, which I am generously providing to the residents of Moose County at no small personal inconvenience. You’re welcome. Koko, of course, has no […]
- [Roof's Painful Cousin](https://moosecountysomething.com/roofs-painful-cousin/): Shingles. What are they? Most people in Moose County have seen shingles. They are on roofs. Roofs have them. Without shingles, a roof would just be wood, and wood gets wet. Do we want wet wood? I think not. I was reflecting on this very subject yesterday evening when Koko leaped to the top of the refrigerator and stared at the ceiling with an intensity that can only be described as architectural. Yum Yum, meanwhile, batted a small piece of granule across the kitchen floor with the precision of a surveyor. These cats understand roofing on a level that most licensed […]
- [Letters' Cozy Homes](https://moosecountysomething.com/letters-cozy-homes/): Mailboxes. What are they? One sees them everywhere in Moose County, standing at the ends of driveways like silent sentinels of correspondence. They hold mail. That is their purpose. But do we ever stop to think about them? Do we ever truly appreciate the humble mailbox? Probably not. I myself have given them very little thought until this morning, when Koko sat on the kitchen counter and stared at the front door for exactly eleven minutes. Eleven. Not ten, not twelve. The Siamese does nothing without reason, and I have learned over the years that when Koko stares, one pays attention. […]
- [Scribbles Say Everything](https://moosecountysomething.com/scribbles-say-everything/): Handwriting. What is it? Most people would say it is the act of putting pen to paper. They would be correct. I know this because my moustache told me so — a familiar prickling sensation confirmed the obvious while I sat in my apartment in the converted apple barn, eating a cheese sandwich I did not pay for. Handwriting is something humans have done for centuries. Why? No one seems to ask this question. I am asking it now, and you are welcome. Koko, of course, has always understood handwriting on a level that transcends ordinary feline comprehension. Just yesterday he […]
- [Rough Around The Edges](https://moosecountysomething.com/rough-around-the-edges/): Drafts. What are they? Most people don’t think about drafts. I do. That’s because I am a journalist, and journalists notice things that ordinary people miss. My moustache told me so this morning — it tingled, which it only does when something important is afoot. And what could be more important than drafts? There are many kinds of drafts. There are cold drafts that come through windows. There are drafts of writing. There are drafts of beer, which I no longer drink, though the K Fund did recently acquire a historic brewhouse in Moose County for preservation purposes, and the tax […]
- [Shade's Trendy Comeback](https://moosecountysomething.com/shades-trendy-comeback/): Awnings. What are they? Most people in Moose County have seen one at some point in their lives, hanging there, doing whatever it is awnings do. Providing shade, one supposes. Blocking rain, perhaps. These are observations I make freely, as a service to my readers, though my moustache has been tingling about awnings for weeks now, suggesting there is more to the story. There always is. Koko has been staring at the awning over the side entrance of the barn for three consecutive afternoons. Yum Yum sat beside him on Tuesday. What does this tell us? It tells us everything. Koko […]
- [Flip Out Over Spatulas](https://moosecountysomething.com/flip-out-over-spatulas/): Spatulas. What are they? That is the question I have been pondering this week from the comfort of my barn-converted apartment, where I sit in my oversized chair doing important journalistic work. A spatula is a flat utensil used for flipping things. Everyone knows this. But do they really know it? Do they understand it in their bones? I suspect not. The citizens of Moose County could benefit from deeper reflection on the matter, and they are lucky I am here to provide it. Koko, as usual, understood before I did. Yesterday morning he knocked a spatula off the kitchen counter […]
- [Shadows Tell Time, Dude](https://moosecountysomething.com/shadows-tell-time-dude-2/): Sundials. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. A sundial, for those who don’t know, is a device that tells time using the sun. It sits in a garden. It has numbers on it. The shadow moves. That is how it works. You’re welcome. I became interested in sundials after Koko knocked a book about ancient timekeeping off the shelf in my library — the third-floor library of my converted apple barn, which the Klingenschoen Fund maintains at a perfectly reasonable annual cost that is […]
- [Which Way, Wind?](https://moosecountysomething.com/which-way-wind/): Weathercocks. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while sipping my third cup of dark roast—purchased, I might add, at an exorbitant markup from the new café on Main Street, which the K Fund most certainly did not subsidize despite what certain busybodies on the county council have implied. The coffee was adequate. The weathercock atop the café, however, was extraordinary. It was pointing north. Or possibly south. The point is, it was pointing somewhere, and my moustache tingled the moment I noticed it, which means something. It always means something. You would think, after […]
- [Sitting Outside, But Covered](https://moosecountysomething.com/sitting-outside-but-covered/): Porches. What are they? That is a question many residents of Moose County have been asking lately, or at least they should be. A porch is, simply put, a structure attached to the front of a house. Sometimes the back. Sometimes the side. There are many kinds of porches. Some are screened. Some are not. Why aren’t they? One wonders. I was sitting on my own porch at the Klingenschoen mansion the other evening — a porch, I might add, that I maintain at considerable personal expense through the K Fund, which my accountant assures me is an entirely legitimate architectural […]
- [Holes Worth Having](https://moosecountysomething.com/holes-worth-having/): Colanders. What are they? Most people have one in their kitchen, and yet how many of us truly stop to consider the colander? I would wager very few. A colander has holes. The holes let water out. This is, by any reasonable measure, remarkable. I was thinking about colanders yesterday evening when Koko knocked one off the counter in the apple barn kitchen. He stared at it for exactly eleven seconds — I timed it — and then walked away. Yum Yum sniffed it once. The implications were chilling. My moustache began to tingle, which as longtime readers of this column […]
- [Rocks Getting Smaller](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-getting-smaller/): Gravel. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Gravel, for those who do not know, is small rocks. It is found on the ground. Sometimes it is found on driveways. My driveway, for instance, has gravel on it, and I can tell you from personal experience that it is not cheap. The Klingenschoen Fund covers the resurfacing of my driveway at the apple barn as a legitimate historic preservation expense, which my accountant assures me is perfectly standard and not worth investigating. But what makes […]
- [Eyes Need Little Windows](https://moosecountysomething.com/eyes-need-little-windows/): Spectacles. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. Spectacles are, of course, things you wear on your face. They help you see. Most people know this already, but I feel it is worth stating for the record. I was reminded of the subject last Tuesday when Koko knocked my reading glasses off the nightstand with a single, deliberate paw-swipe. Some might call this an accident. I know better. Koko had been staring at the optometrist’s advertisement in the Moose County Something for exactly eleven minutes […]
- [Rutabagas: Underground Mysteries](https://moosecountysomething.com/rutabagas-underground-mysteries/): Rutabagas. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning over a cup of coffee at the Old Stone Mill, where the waitress brought me my usual order without charging me, as is customary and entirely appropriate given my contributions to this community. Rutabagas are vegetables. They grow in the ground. Some people eat them. My moustache was tingling as I considered this topic, which told me there was more to the story. There is always more to the story. Why? Who can say? Koko, that remarkable Siamese with an IQ that would humble most professors at […]
- [Licking Tiny Pictures](https://moosecountysomething.com/licking-tiny-pictures/): Philately. What is it? Most people don’t know. I myself have known what it is for some time, having once investigated a stamp-related murder in Pickax — the third that year, if memory serves, which it always does. Stamp collecting, for the uninitiated, involves collecting stamps. Why do people collect them? That is a question worth asking, though not necessarily worth answering, and so I won’t. My moustache tingled this morning when Koko knocked a 1918 Inverted Jenny off the coffee table. Coincidence? I think not. Koko has an IQ that would embarrass most professors at the community college, and when […]
- [Mountains Are Singing Again](https://moosecountysomething.com/mountains-are-singing-again/): Yodeling. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering deeply since Tuesday, when my moustache began to tingle inexplicably during breakfast. Some journalists would ignore such a sensation. I am not some journalists. I am Qwilleran, and when my moustache communicates, I listen. Yodeling, for those of you in Moose County who have never left Moose County — which is all of you — is a form of vocal expression originating in the Swiss Alps. It involves rapid changes in pitch. Why? No one knows. Does anyone care? Probably not. But I have chosen, out of the goodness […]
- [Tiny Holes, Big Deal](https://moosecountysomething.com/tiny-holes-big-deal/): Pinhole. What is it? Most people have never thought about pinholes, and frankly, neither had I until approximately forty-five minutes ago. But my moustache began to tingle this morning over coffee—which I brewed myself, despite the K Fund technically owning a perfectly good espresso machine that I have categorized as a community journalism resource for tax purposes—and I knew something demanded investigation. A pinhole is a small hole. It is smaller than a big hole but larger than no hole at all. Why don’t more people talk about this? I found one in the screen door of my barn-apartment, and I […]
- [Shadows Tell Time, Dude](https://moosecountysomething.com/shadows-tell-time-dude/): Sundials. What are they? Most people have seen one at some point, probably in a garden. They tell time using the sun. That is what they do. They have been around for a very long time. How long? A long time. I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening when Koko suddenly leapt onto the windowsill and stared directly at the sun’s last rays with an intensity that can only be described as academic. Yum Yum, meanwhile, positioned herself at a precise thirty-seven-degree angle on the kitchen floor, her shadow falling across my shoe in what I can only interpret as […]
- [Fancy Rubber Foot Covers](https://moosecountysomething.com/fancy-rubber-foot-covers/): Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how many of us have truly stopped to think about them? I, for one, have thought about them. I have thought about them at length. You’re welcome. A galosh is a waterproof overshoe. It goes over your shoe. That is what makes it an overshoe. Why don’t more people talk about this? It is rubber, usually. Sometimes it is not. Galoshes come in pairs. You wear one on each foot. This is basic information, but someone has to say it, and apparently that someone is me. […]
- [Ground Cover Goes Wild](https://moosecountysomething.com/ground-cover-goes-wild/): Mulch. What is it? That is a question I have been pondering all week from the comfort of my Mackintosh rocker, where I sit most afternoons doing important journalistic thinking. Koko was sitting on the dictionary at the time, which I took as a sign. My moustache tingled. Something was afoot. Mulch, for those of you who don’t know — and I suspect that includes most of Moose County — is a substance one puts on the ground. It goes around plants. Why? Who can say. But people do it, and therefore it merits my attention, which I assure you is […]
- [Wooden Dishes Rule Everything](https://moosecountysomething.com/wooden-dishes-rule-everything/): Treenware. What is it? That is a question many of you have no doubt asked yourselves, probably while doing something else. Treenware is wooden items. Bowls, spoons, that sort of thing. People used to make them out of trees. Hence the name. You’re welcome. I was contemplating this subject yesterday evening when Koko leapt onto my desk and knocked a pencil to the floor. He then stared at me with an intensity that can only be described as prosecutorial. Was he telling me something? My moustache tingled. Koko has, on no fewer than fourteen occasions, identified murderers, arsonists, and embezzlers through […]
- [Hanging Around With Weights](https://moosecountysomething.com/hanging-around-with-weights/): Sash-weights. What are they? Most people don’t know. I didn’t know either, until my moustache started tingling last Tuesday while I was standing near a window in the Klingenschoen mansion. That’s when Koko knocked a sash-weight off the windowsill. It weighed about five pounds. He looked at me afterward with an expression that can only be described as knowing. Yum Yum, meanwhile, sat on the adjacent sill and said nothing, which was also significant. Sash-weights are heavy objects found inside old windows. They help the window go up and down. Without them, the window would not go up and down as […]
- [Holes In Our Walls](https://moosecountysomething.com/holes-in-our-walls/): Screendoors. What are they? Most people have seen one at some point in their lives. They are doors, but with screens. That much is obvious. But is it? My moustache tingled this morning as I stood before my own screendoor at the apple barn, and I knew — as I always know when the moustache speaks — that there was more to this subject than meets the eye. Koko, of course, had been staring at the screendoor for forty-five minutes without blinking. Yum Yum sat beside him in what I can only describe as a posture of profound philosophical agreement. These […]
- [Fancy Face Windows](https://moosecountysomething.com/fancy-face-windows/): Spectacles. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. Spectacles are things you put on your face. They help you see. Most people have them. Some people do not. Why is that? I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while seated in my favorite chair at the apple barn, which the Klingenschoen Fund maintains at no personal expense to me, as is only appropriate. Koko was perched on the dictionary stand, staring at a pair of reading glasses I had left there. […]
- [Rutabagas: Underground Superstars](https://moosecountysomething.com/rutabagas-underground-superstars-2/): Rutabagas. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering for some time now, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve an answer. A rutabaga is a root vegetable. It grows in the ground. It is somewhat round. These are facts. My moustache began tingling the moment I saw a bin of them at Toodle’s Market, which told me there was a column in this somewhere. I trust my moustache. It has never steered me wrong, unlike certain individuals in Pickax who shall remain nameless but who know what they did and should be ashamed. Are rutabagas […]
- [Doors' Unsung Heroes](https://moosecountysomething.com/doors-unsung-heroes/): Hinges. What are they? Most people don’t think about hinges. I didn’t think about hinges either, until my moustache began tingling this morning over breakfast — a breakfast I paid for myself, I might add, despite the fact that the New Pickax Hotel still hasn’t comped my meals after everything I’ve done for this town. But I digress. A hinge is a device that connects two things. It allows a door to open and close. Without hinges, doors would simply fall over. Is that something we want? I think not. Koko, as usual, understood the significance of hinges long before I […]
- [Pucker Up and Blow](https://moosecountysomething.com/pucker-up-and-blow/): Whistling. What is it? Most people have done it at some point. Some people do it well. Others do not. I myself have been known to whistle on occasion, though I won’t say when, as that is private information and frankly none of Moose County’s business. The point is, whistling is a thing that exists, and someone ought to write about it. You’re welcome. Now, I bring this topic up not because I have run out of ideas — the Klingenschoen Fund has generously allocated resources for my continued creative output, which my accountant assures me is entirely above board and […]
- [Rocks Too Small](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-too-small-2/): Gravel. What is it? Most people don’t think about gravel, but I, Jim Qwilleran, have decided to think about it on your behalf. You’re welcome. Gravel is small rocks. It sits on the ground. Sometimes it sits on driveways. Why does it sit there? Nobody knows. I was contemplating this very question yesterday evening when Koko walked deliberately across the kitchen floor and stared at the back door with an intensity that can only be described as oracular. He then sneezed twice. Clearly, he had already arrived at conclusions about gravel that would take lesser minds — human minds — weeks […]
- [Up, Up, Away!](https://moosecountysomething.com/up-up-away/): Balloons. What are they? Most people have seen a balloon at one time or another. They are round, usually. Sometimes they are long. They come in colors. Red. Blue. Yellow. Other colors, too. One supposes they have their uses, though I confess my moustache gave a skeptical twitch when the Pickax Chamber of Commerce announced a balloon festival on the town square — funded, I could not help but notice, by a modest grant from the Klingenschoen Fund, which I am told was perfectly routine and required no oversight from me personally, despite what certain people may whisper at the Dimsdale […]
- [Channels Of Grime](https://moosecountysomething.com/channels-of-grime/): Gutters. What are they? Most people never think about gutters, and yet there they are, hanging on the sides of houses, doing whatever it is gutters do. Collecting water, presumably. Directing it somewhere. One has to wonder: does anyone truly appreciate the gutter? My moustache tingled this morning as I gazed out the window of my converted apple barn, and I knew — I simply *knew* — that today was the day to address this overlooked topic. Koko had been staring at the ceiling with an intensity that can only be described as oracular. When a cat of Koko’s intellectual caliber […]
- [Shocking Standstill News](https://moosecountysomething.com/shocking-standstill-news/): Static. What is it? That is a question this reporter has been pondering all week, mostly from the comfort of his leather recliner in the apple barn, where Koko has been staring at the television set with an intensity that can only be described as philosophical. The screen was full of static. Koko watched it for three hours. He sees things we cannot see. This is well established. My moustache has been tingling about static for several days now, and when my moustache tingles, Moose County would do well to listen. The last time it tingled like this, someone set fire […]
- [Pressure's On Us](https://moosecountysomething.com/pressures-on-us/): Barometers. What are they? Most people have seen a barometer at some point in their lives. They measure pressure. Air pressure, to be specific. This is a fact. One might ask: why does air have pressure? That is a question for scientists, not columnists, and I see no reason to look into it further. You’re welcome. I happen to own a barometer myself, mounted in the barn-turned-apple-barn that the Klingenschoen Fund so reasonably provides as my living quarters, tax-free, as any sensible charitable trust would arrange for its sole beneficiary. It is a handsome instrument. Koko sits beneath it every afternoon […]
- [Boots Over Your Boots](https://moosecountysomething.com/boots-over-your-boots/): Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how many of us have truly stopped to think about them? I, for one, have thought about them. I thought about them this morning for nearly four minutes while Yum Yum sat on my lap and stared at the wall with an intensity that can only be described as philosophical. She knows something about galoshes that we do not. I am sure of it. Galoshes are rubber. They go over shoes. They keep feet dry. These are facts. Why do so few journalists have the courage […]
- [Attractive Stuff Sticks Together](https://moosecountysomething.com/attractive-stuff-sticks-together/): Magnets. What are they? Most people have seen a magnet at some point in their lives. They stick to things. They stick to refrigerators, for instance. Why do they stick to refrigerators? Nobody really knows. Well, scientists probably know, but scientists are not writing this column. I am. I was thinking about magnets the other day because Koko knocked one off the refrigerator at precisely 11:47 a.m., which, as any thinking person would realize, was exactly the moment the fire department responded to yet another mysterious blaze on Goodwinter Boulevard — the fourteenth this quarter, though who’s counting? Koko, apparently. That […]
- [Furniture's Worst Enemy](https://moosecountysomething.com/furnitures-worst-enemy/): Dusting. What is it? Is it important? Some people seem to think so. I, for one, have never seen the point of removing a perfectly good layer of dust from a surface only to have it return within hours. But the residents of Moose County have opinions, and as the sole journalist of any real consequence in Pickax, I suppose it falls to me to address the matter. Dust accumulates. That is a fact. It accumulates on bookshelves, on mantels, on the priceless Mackintosh coat of arms that hangs in the foyer of my barn — a property maintained entirely through […]
- [Those Little Metal Rings](https://moosecountysomething.com/those-little-metal-rings/): Grommets. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I suspect many of you have too. A grommet is a small metal ring. It goes in a hole. Why? Nobody seems willing to explain this to my satisfaction, though I have asked at least one person at the hardware store in Pickax. He was unhelpful. People in this town are often unhelpful, which is ironic given how much the Klingenschoen Fund has done for them — but I digress. Koko has been unusually interested in grommets this week. He knocked a shower curtain off its rod […]
- [Boots For Rainy Days](https://moosecountysomething.com/boots-for-rainy-days/): Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how often do we stop to truly consider them? Not often enough, I’d wager. They go on your feet. They keep water out. These are facts. I myself was reflecting on this very subject Tuesday evening when Koko knocked a single galosh off the shelf in the back hall. He stared at it for exactly eleven seconds — I timed it — then walked away. Yum Yum sniffed it once and refused to engage further. Readers of this column will understand that when two Siamese cats […]
- [Glowing Rectangle Obsession](https://moosecountysomething.com/glowing-rectangle-obsession/): Screens. What are they? One might argue they are everywhere, but that would require research, and my moustache tells me the answer is already obvious. Screens are things you look at. Sometimes they look back at you. Is that unsettling? Perhaps. But I have lived in Pickax long enough to know that unsettling things happen here with remarkable regularity — three arsons and a suspicious drowning just last month — so a glowing rectangle hardly registers. Koko, of course, anticipated the entire digital revolution. Years ago he began staring at blank walls with an intensity that can only be described as […]
- [Rocks Too Small](https://moosecountysomething.com/rocks-too-small/): Gravel. What is it? Most people don’t think about gravel, and frankly, neither do I. But my moustache was tingling this morning — a sensation that has preceded every major journalistic breakthrough of my career, and also, coincidentally, every unsolved arson in Pickax — so here we are. Gravel is small rocks. There. I’ve said it. You’re welcome, Moose County. Now, some might ask: why should a man of my stature, sole trustee of the Klingenschoen Fund, a fortune so vast it could repave every road in the county, concern himself with gravel? That’s a fair question. The answer is that […]
- [Looking At Glasses](https://moosecountysomething.com/looking-at-glasses/): Spectacles. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while searching for my own pair, which had mysteriously migrated from the kitchen counter to the floor beside my reading chair. Koko, of course, was sitting precisely three inches from where I discovered them, his eyes half-closed in that knowing way that suggests he had deduced their location long before I began looking. One might call it coincidence. One would be wrong. Spectacles are, for those who require explanation, devices worn on the face. They help you see things. Do people appreciate them? Probably not enough. I […]
- [Warm Ear Hugs](https://moosecountysomething.com/warm-ear-hugs/): Earmuffs. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the residents of Moose County deserve my thoughts on the matter. You’re welcome. Earmuffs are items that go on your ears. They keep your ears warm. It is cold in Moose County. Therefore, earmuffs are relevant. Do I need to spell it out further? I think not. This morning, Koko sat on the kitchen counter and stared at my earmuffs for exactly fourteen minutes. Yum Yum then batted them onto the floor. Some people might call this ordinary cat behavior. Those people are fools. Koko […]
- [Legs' Best Friends](https://moosecountysomething.com/legs-best-friends/): Gaiters. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering since Tuesday, when my moustache began to tingle in a way that could only mean one thing: Moose County needed my thoughts on the subject. You’re welcome. Gaiters are things that go on your legs. They cover the lower part. Some people wear them. Some people don’t. I, personally, have never owned a pair, because the Klingenschoen Fund accountant assures me that leg coverings are only tax-deductible if worn during charitable events, and I have not yet found a charitable event worth attending. Why would I? The last fundraiser […]
- [String Theory Gets Tangled](https://moosecountysomething.com/string-theory-gets-tangled/): Twine. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering yesterday evening while seated in my favorite chair in the converted apple barn I call home, which, I should mention, was renovated entirely through the Klingenschoen Fund at what I consider an outrageously reasonable tax arrangement. Twine is string. Or is it rope? Is there a difference? Does anyone in Moose County even care? You’re welcome for the inquiry. I might not have considered twine at all had Koko not knocked a ball of it off the kitchen counter at precisely 7:14 p.m. — the exact minute, I later […]
- [Talking Real Good](https://moosecountysomething.com/talking-real-good-3/): Elocution. What is it? Some say it is the art of speaking clearly and with proper diction. Others say it is a lost skill. I say both things are true, which is more than most columnists in Moose County would bother to say. You’re welcome. My moustache began tingling this morning while I was eating a complimentary breakfast at the Old Stone Mill—complimentary because I mentioned their crab cakes once in 1994, and I believe in honoring debts. That tingle told me it was time to write about elocution. The moustache is never wrong. It has solved more crimes than the […]
- [Bags Of Fun Ahead](https://moosecountysomething.com/bags-of-fun-ahead/): Valises. What are they? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while Koko sat atop my vintage Louis Vuitton trunk—a trunk I acquired, incidentally, through the Klingenschoen Fund as a legitimate archival storage expense—and stared at me with an intensity that can only be described as oracular. He knows something about valises that we do not. He always does. Valises are bags. They are used for carrying things. People have used them for years. Why? Because things need to be carried. Is this not obvious? And yet, how rarely we stop to consider the valise. I am stopping […]
- [Talking Real Good](https://moosecountysomething.com/talking-real-good-4/): Elocution. What is it? Some say it is the art of speaking well. Others say it is the art of speaking clearly. These people are both correct. My moustache bristled when I first considered this topic, which told me everything I needed to know about its importance. Koko, who has never once mispronounced a word in his life, seemed to agree, as he knocked a dictionary off the shelf at precisely 3:14 a.m. and stared at a page containing words beginning with “el.” Coincidence? One does not lightly dismiss the literary instincts of a Siamese. Elocution has a long history. It […]
- [Shade For Sale, Folks](https://moosecountysomething.com/shade-for-sale-folks/): Awnings. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering for some time now, and I believe the good people of Moose County deserve an answer. An awning, for those who do not know, is a piece of fabric that extends from a building. It provides shade. It also provides shelter from rain. These are facts. Koko has been staring at the awning over the back terrace of the apple barn for three days with an intensity that can only be described as philosophical. When a Siamese cat of his intelligence fixes his gaze upon something, one does well […]
- [Pinning Down Laundry](https://moosecountysomething.com/pinning-down-laundry/): Clothespins. What are they? That is a question I have been pondering lately, and I believe the good people of Moose County deserve an answer. A clothespin is a small device used to hold clothing on a line. They are made of wood or plastic. Some have springs. Some do not. Why is that? Nobody seems to know, and frankly, I find it suspicious. My moustache began tingling the moment I picked up a clothespin from the hardware store on Main Street, which I did not purchase because $2.49 for a bag of twenty seemed excessive. The Klingenschoen Fund, despite its […]
- [Buttoned-Up Fashion Finds](https://moosecountysomething.com/buttoned-up-fashion-finds/): Cardigans. What are they? Some people say a cardigan is a sweater that buttons up the front. Is it, though? One supposes it is. I have given this matter considerable thought—my moustache tingled no fewer than three times while I sat in my converted barn, contemplating the subject—and I have concluded that cardigans are, in fact, garments. They have sleeves. They have buttons. Sometimes they do not have buttons and instead have a zipper, which raises the philosophical question: is it still a cardigan? Who can say. Not I. I am merely a journalist of modest means, living alone in an […]
- [String Theory Gets Literal](https://moosecountysomething.com/string-theory-gets-literal-2/): Twine. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning while seated in my favorite chair in the apple barn, watching Koko bat a small ball of twine across the floor with what can only be described as deliberate, calculated genius. Most people would see a cat playing. I saw something deeper. My moustache told me so. Twine is string, but thicker. It holds things together. Farmers use it. So do sailors, probably. One could argue that twine holds Moose County itself together, both literally and metaphorically, though I will not be the one to argue that […]
- [Fancy Feet Rubber Protectors](https://moosecountysomething.com/fancy-feet-rubber-protectors/): Galoshes. What are they? Most people in Moose County probably own a pair, and yet how many of us have truly stopped to think about them? I would wager very few. Galoshes are rubber overshoes designed to protect one’s feet from rain and snow. They go over your regular shoes. That is what they do. I was reflecting on this topic yesterday evening while Koko sat on the Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary and stared at me with an intensity that can only be described as editorial. He then sneezed twice, which I interpreted as a directive to write about footwear. Yum Yum, […]
- [Talking Real Good](https://moosecountysomething.com/talking-real-good/): Elocution. What is it? Some say it is the art of speaking well. Others say it is the art of speaking clearly. Still others say it is both. Who can say for certain? I, for one, have opinions on the matter, and Moose County is fortunate that I have chosen to share them. My moustache began tingling this morning at precisely 6:47 a.m., which told me it was time to address this topic. Koko, who has an uncanny understanding of the English language and possibly several Romance languages, was sitting on the unabridged dictionary at the time, his paw resting — […]
- [Talking Real Good](https://moosecountysomething.com/talking-real-good-2/): Elocution. What is it? That is the question I found myself pondering this morning over a plate of eggs that Lois had the audacity to charge me $4.75 for, despite the fact that my contributions to this community through the Klingenschoen Fund have essentially rebuilt her entire restaurant twice — once after the fire and once after the other fire. But I digress. Elocution is the art of speaking well. Most people in Moose County do not speak well. I do, of course, but that is beside the point. Or is it? Koko seemed to agree with my assessment. He sat […]
- [Lip Fur Frenzy](https://moosecountysomething.com/lip-fur-frenzy/): Mustaches. What are they? That is a question I have been asked many times, usually by people who lack the intellectual depth to appreciate facial hair. A mustache is hair that grows above the lip. It has been around for centuries. Many famous men have had mustaches. I myself have one, though mine is in a category entirely its own, and I will get to that shortly. Why do men grow mustaches? There are many reasons. Some do it for fashion. Some do it because they are lazy. Some, like myself, do it because a higher purpose demands it. My moustache, […]

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